Gavin DeBecker Comments on Internet SAFETY Advice

This email contains two examples of the kind of nonsense that flies around the Internet. The first is attributed to Pat Malone, and the second is by someone who says she took a course on self-defense, and now wants to share the information. I've put some more extensive comments after the Malone one, and before the other. I've never heard of Pat Malone, and of course I don't know how much of this he ever said, versus someone's mangled telling. All I can say is, it's a miracle Stallone and Farrah Fawcett made it this far.

Gavin de Becker\

(*Note: Gavin DeBecker's comments are in all caps and light purple/blue colored text.)

SAFETY TIPS for Women

The following is information from a Personal Safety Workshop given by Pat Malone, who has been a body guard for the likes of Farrah Fawcett and Sylvester Stallone. He works for the FBI,

REALLY? and teaches police officers and Navy SEALS hand-to-hand combat. He focused his teachings on How To Avoid Being The Victim Of A Violent Crime, provided statistics on how much random violence has escalated over the recent years, and it's terrible. Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or a victim of, a violent crime.

EXPOSED TO... OR A VICTIM OF? BIG DIFFERENCE. IT'S LIKE STATISTICS THAT READ, "DURING THIS YEAR, TEN MILLION CHILDREN WILL BE LOST OR KIDNAPPED BY A STRANGER." YES, 9,999,940 WILL BE LOST AT SOME POINT DURING THE YEAR (SOME FOR A FEW MINUTES AT THE MALL) AND ABOUT 60 WILL BE KIDNAPPED BY A STRANGER.

Here are some of the most important points made in his presentation: The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are:

WHAT ARE RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE? HE GOES ON TO DESCRIBE SPECIFIC ACTS OF TARGETED VIOLENCE - HARDLY RANDOM.

Lack of awareness (you MUST know where you are & what's going on around you); Body language (keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up.) LOOK FOR THE ONES SWINGING THEIR ARMS; Wrong place, wrong time (don’t walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night); THAT'LL BE EASY TO AVOID FOR THE WOMEN WHO LIVE IN BAD NEIGHBORHOODS, OR MUST PARK THEIR CARS IN AN ALLEY. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc, and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc). OH SURE, WOMEN HAVE THIS "TENDENCY." THEY JUST LOVE TO SIT IN THEIR CARS. Don't do this! The predator will be watching you, HE WILL BE? WHO SAYS? WHAT PREDATOR? and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go AFTER YOU FINISH BALANCING THE CHECKBOOK. As soon as you get into your car, lock the doors and leave; A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back sea. Check under the car as well. GREAT IDEA; ADVISE WOMEN TO GET DOWN ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES IN THE PARKING LOT AND CHECK UNDER THE CAR, LIKE THAT ISN'T A VULNERABLE POSITION. WHY NOT SUGGEST THEY CHECK UNDER THE MANHOLE COVERS WHILE THEY ARE AT IT? If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. ONLY IF IT'S A "BIG VAN."

Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. THEY DO? Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. ALWAYS EASY TO FIND A POLICEMAN. It is always better to be safe than sorry. BETTER PARANOID THAN DEAD. I WONDER ABOUT THIS ONE. Always take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone.) Now women can't use the stairs. AND IF THERE'S NO ELEVATOR? CALL A POLICEMAN? OR GET DOWN ON MY HANDS AND KNEES AGAIN? Do not get on an elevator if there is a weirdo already on there. (Of course bad men don't always look bad) SO, WHAT'S THE ADVICE? JUST DON'T GET IN AN ELEVATOR IF THERE'S ANYONE IN THERE? NO STAIRS, NO ELEVATORS, CHECKING UNDER THE CAR, GETTING IN ON THE PASSENGER SIDE - EASIER TO JUST STAY HOME. Do not stand back in the corners of the elevator, be near the front, by the doors, ready to get off or on. If you get on the elevator on the 25th floor, and the Boogie Man gets on the 22nd, get off when he gets on. SO DUMB. YEAH, GET OFF ON THE POSSIBLY-DESERTED 22ND FLOOR SO HE CAN GET OFF WITH YOU RATHER THAN STAY IN THE ELEVATOR WHERE THE ODDS ARE VERY HIGH IT WILL STOP ON SOME FLOOR BETWEEN 22 AND THE LOBBY AND SOMEONE ELSE WILL GET ON. HOW ABOUT "PUSH THE BUTTON FOR THE LOBBY- OR WHATEVER FLOOR YOU EXPECT TO BE MOST POPULATED." If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, always run! Police only make 4 of 10 shots when they are in range of 3-9 feet. This is due to stress. The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely will not be a vital organ. Run! THIS INFORMATION IS ACTUALLY CLOSE TO ACCURATE WITH REGARD TO BEING SHOT, BUT VERY POOR WITH REGARD TO THE FAR MORE LIKELY RESULT: THE MAN CHASES YOU. AND TOUGH ADVICE FOR OLDER WOMEN TO FOLLOW. SEE BELOW FOR MORE INFO ON THIS KIND OF OVERLY SPECIFIC ADVICE. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: stop it! It may get you raped, or killed. YEAH LADIES, NO MORE COMPASSION FOR ANYONE. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her. Then she saw a police car come towards her with 2 cops, who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her, for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting in the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front, and the car sped away.

Don't get caught in this trap.

Tips to saving your life, if you have gotten into a violent situation react immediately: If he abducts you in a parking lot, and is taking you to an abandoned area, don't let him get you to that area. *If you are driving, react immediately in the situation, and crash your car while still going 5 MPH. * If he's driving, find the right time, and stick your fingers in his eyes. He must watch the road, so choose an unsuspecting time, and gouge him. It is your only defense. WHO SAYS? While he is in shock, get out. (This sounds gross, but the alternative is your fault if you do not act.) resist: don't go along with him: run, if you are able: don't ever give up! * You do not want to get to a crime scene. Always keep your distance when walking past strangers on the street or in dark areas. Get a cell phone. There are packages for $19.95 a month that allow you to program only 911 into the dialing out program. THIS IS AN ALTERNATIVE FOR PARENTS WHO SAY IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE FOR THEIR KIDS TO HAVE A CELL PHONE. Break downs: (Make every effort to avoid this by always keeping your car in good working order). If your car breaks down you better have a cell phone to call for help, and lock your doors. If you don't have a cell phone: Keep a blanket, warm clothes, a pair of boots, and a flashlight in your car always, for emergencies. ALSO GOOD IF YOU WANT TO LAY DOWN TO CHECK UNDER THE CAR FOR A LONG TIME. If it's noon on a business day, you MAY want to put your hazards on and walk to safety. If it's 2 a.m.: put on your warm clothes, and walk to a lighted area. You are a perfect target if you are sitting in your car broken down. Predators search the highways for easy targets like you. If you're on a desolate road: walk away from the car IN YOUR WARM CLOTHES and go to some bushes, or some area away from your vehicle. It will be cold, and uncomfortable, but you DO NOT want to stay in your car, AND THERE ARE NO PSYCHO BOGEYMEN WAITING IN THE BUSHES WHO KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK DOWN THERE AND THEN. Physical defenses that we can use against the violent predator. The eyes are the most vulnerable part of the body. Poke him there, and you have (possibly) your only window of opportunity. The neck is also a vulnerable spot, but you MUST know where to grip, and have the strength to cut off his breath. BUT HE DOESN'T TELL US "WHERE TO GRIP." The last place is the knees. Everyone's knees are very vulnerable, and a swift kick here will take anyone down. A cautionary note about these things is that if you do not do these things right the first time, you are in trouble, because it will only anger the individual, and that anger will be taken out on you. I'm not saying don't attempt them (it may be your only hope), but be forceful when you do. If you are walking alone in the dark (which you shouldn't be) and you find him following/chasing you: Scream "FIRE!", and not "help". People don't want to get involved when people yell "help", but "fire" draws attention because people are nosy. SINCE PEOPLE ARE NOSY, WHY NOT YELL, "MADONNA IS DATING WARREN BEATTY AGAIN! Find an obstacle, such as a parked car, and run around it, like ring around the rosie This may sound silly, but over the years, 5 women have told Pat Malone that this saved their lives. AND KEPT THEM SLENDER. Your last hope is getting under the car. Once you are under there, there are tons of things to hold on to, DON'T WORRY THAT THEY ARE 800 DEGREES HOT. and he will not be able to get you out, and will not come under for you (most likely). Usually they give up by this point. The catch here is that you must practice getting under the car. You must have a plan (he will have one); know if you will be going on your back, front, from the side or back of the car. It must be practiced. TWICE A DAY, WITH ALL THE TIME

YOU'VE GAINED BY NEVER TAKING THE STAIRS. Our world is not as safe as we pretend that it is, and living in our fantasy worlds will get us in trouble, sooner or later. Pat Malone said again and again that the women who die every minute from violent crimes, IN FACT, WOMEN DON'T DIE "EVERY MINUTE" FROM VIOLENT CRIMES, BUT HE'S ONLY OFF BY A MULTIPLE OF ABOUT FIFTY. expected to go to bed tonight, and get up tomorrow. No one expects it, but we must be prepared and aware so that we have a plan. One last thing, if you are ever thrown into a trunk of a car kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. BACK TO SWINGING YOUR ARMS, SINCE THAT WORKED SO WELL. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. It will save your life.

Here's another email of safety tips, with comments from Gavin de Becker below:

Thursday, January 04, 2001 2:59

Subject: Self Defense

Hi, girls!

I just finished taking the most amazing self-defense class, sponsored by Shandwick, and I wanted to share some really valuable info with you before it goes out of my head. The guy who taught the class has a female friend who was attacked last year in the parking garage at Westport Plaza in St. Louis one night after work and taken to an abandoned house and raped. He started a women's group and began teaching these classes soon after. This guy is a black belt in karate and trains twice a year with Steven Segall. He and the others in this group interviewed a bunch of rapists and date rapists in prison on what they look for and here's some interesting facts: The #1 thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets. The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. The #1 outfit they look for is overalls because many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing and on overalls the straps can be easily cut. They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered. The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m. The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms. The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught. Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming. These men said they will not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it. Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter. Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a lineup, you lose appeal as a target. If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target. If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling "I have pepper spray" and holding it out will be a deterrent. If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If they grab your wrist, pull your wrist back so your hand is in waving position (palm facing forward) and twist it toward yourself and pull your arm away. It is hard to hold onto wrist bones that are moving in that way. They stumble toward you and you stumble back, so you can use that momentum to bring the same out and backhand them with your knuckles in the forehead, nose or teeth. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts. After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's balls (sorry to be graphic) it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll piss the guy off and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there. When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly. Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble. Please forward this to any woman you know, it's simple stuff that could save her life.

From Gavin de Becker:

Simply put, some of this material is valuable, and some of it can be harmful. I am sure the writer's intent was all good, but a person who takes a course is not necessarily the best person to communicate the information - and like anything secondhand, it has limitations. Imagine taking high-stakes medical advice from someone who attended a great talk by a doctor. It's not that I am such a believer in "experts," per se, but rather, that the best information comes from a great deal of thought, accurate information, and experience - not from someone reporting what someone else may have said. (More on that later).

I tend to discourage offering specific PRESCRIPTIONS for what to do in specific situations, as this information does, because I am not there with a woman on the scene, and thus, I am not able to understand all the factors. By way of example, "If you are being followed, cross to the other side of the street and walk the other way" is not good advice if there's a police station a block in front of you. In that situation, one might be wiser to speed up and get nearer to the police station.

As noted above, there are risks when information is passed on by someone who reads a book or takes a class. The most common way this happens (and the most dangerous) is when someone learns from just one experience and tries to apply the lesson to everyone (eg, "Always scream 'get away!' because that worked for my friend when she was attacked"). My point about getting original material from the source is said well with some Hindu wisdom: "Look to the moon, and not its reflection in the pond." Our world is full of mediated information, watered down or made unclear or made inaccurate by TV reporters, the Internet, etc. With safety, as with health, it's wise to gain information from the source.

In the material above, one recurring theme is very misleading (probably the result of poor language). It's the use of the phrase "The #1 thing is..." "The #1 thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed." In fact, this isn't even close to "the #1 thing," and "they" (as if all rapists are the same) do NOT choose their victims on the basis of some hair-grabability quotient. Remember, rapists being asked for a checklist may want to come up with something concise to say - but the third-party interpretations of their answers can be ludicrous.

For example, "The #1 outfit they look for is overalls because many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing and on overalls the straps can be easily cut." Ludicrous and misleading. The reader is left to conclude that if you avoid overalls and keep your hair short, you'll be OK.

This said, some of the points are accurate and useful. Indeed, a woman who fights may well discourage an attacker enough to stop an attack, but that's usually true only if it's early in an abduction attempt and still in public. CONTEXT is everything in situations of victimization. The big question people want answered is: "Should I resist or comply?" Well, sometimes one or the other, and sometimes neither, and sometimes both strategies are best. There are times when a woman complies while waiting for the best opportunity to resist. There are times when a woman wisely resists as a test - but then complies if injury appears likely. For example, an attacker who has long coveted a particular victim (the teenage girl next door) and who has planned his attack and location to afford privacy, and who is known to his target - he might fight her right to the death.

Readers hunger for this type of 3-paragraph checklist, because it is simple and it addresses anxiety, but checklists have been around forever and have helped some people while hurting some others. They are, in effect, PRESCRIPTIONS WITHOUT DIAGNOSIS. A prescription that works for some may be toxic to others. I find the following approach to education more helpful: FOCUS ON CONTEXT - on the two factors that are absolutely always present and apply to every situation, because they are foundational to the very architecture of this kind of victimization: PRIVACY and CONTROL. The man who will attempt to molest a girl or woman needs an environment in which that's possible. He needs to get her to a place where there is nobody nearby who will hear her if she resists loudly or calls for help (PRIVACY). His other option is to get her in a frame of mind where she doesn't resist loudly or call for help (CONTROL).

Accordingly, there are times and places where wariness is called for, i.e., times of vulnerability. There are times and places where wariness is wasted, i.e., times when targets are not vulnerable. Dangerous men are only dangerous if they can get you somewhere. They are not dangerous on the dance floor, in the restaurant, in the crowded mall. That may be where they meet you, but it's not where they'd try to hurt you. Do such men actually plot their opportunities? Often, they do, but there is also a type of sexual offender who is on autopilot, operating out of a second nature, an intuitive skill at knowing how to gain control. The good news is that just as he knows when a given environment serves his plans, so can his target intuitively and automatically observe, "I am at a disadvantage here."

Since much of what I've said about the nature of men is anything but PC - as in politically correct- I'll borrow the acronym from that tired phrase to characterize the contexts in which young women (and women in general) can recognize their disadvantage: PC will now stand for Privacy and Control. If a man who intends sexual assault or rape has Privacy and Control, he can victimize someone. If he does not have PC, he is not dangerous, period.

Accordingly, just the presence of these two features in a situation can trigger a young woman's heightened awareness and readiness. The presence of Privacy does not mean a man is sinister, but it does mean a woman is vulnerable. At that point, she'll benefit from carefully evaluating how the man got Privacy: Was it by circumstance or by his design? Privacy is defined here as isolation or concealment. A private place is one in which there is little or no chance that a third party will suddenly show up, a place that is out of range of the hearing of people who could assist the young woman. Cars, hotel rooms, apartments, houses, closed businesses, wilderness areas, the auditorium after hours, back corridors at work, a remote parking face area - these all can afford Privacy.

The word Control defines a relationship between two people, in this case between a victimizer and his target. Control exists when one person is persuaded or compelled to be directed by the other. Control can exist when a young woman feels persuaded to do what a man wants because she fears being injured if she resists, or because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, or because she doesn't want him to hurt her reputation, or because she wants to avoid rejection. Don't think of persuasion as something someone does to us; persuasion is an internal process, not an external one. We persuade ourselves.

A predator merely manipulates how things seem to us. Whatever the method, persuasion requires the participation of the target, and human beings are the creatures who most cooperate with their predators. By contrast, the lion has a more difficult predatory challenge than does the man who would rape a teenager. The lion, after all, must walk around in a lion suit; he is burdened by the obviousness of the very assets that give him power (claws, teeth, muscle). Hunting would be easy if the lion could look like a timid kitten when it served him. Man can. Some men with sinister intent seek control through physical power. Because the target's resistance might be noisy, the power-predator requires more privacy. He cannot retreat easily because there comes a point where there is no ambiguity about his intent. He commits to likely consequences in ways that most persuasion-predators do not.

The power-predator needs more privacy, more space, more time, more recklessness, and more luck in order to get what he wants. Thus, the power-predator is more rare than the persuasion-predator, but also more likely to do serious injury. The persuasion-predator gets a target to cooperate and is thus granted much more flexibility when it comes to privacy. This man can use a room in the girl's home, even if family members are somewhere in the house. For him, Privacy can be adequately afforded by a room at work that people don't frequent, even if the business is open. For him, a few empty seats in a theater can offer enough concealment to sexually abuse a teenager.

Accordingly, the teenage girl who can be easily persuaded appeals to a far wider group of predators and is more likely to be sexually assaulted than a teenage girl who cannot be easily persuaded. Note that I've been using the word target rather than the word victim. That's because being a target need not automatically make one a victim. In fact, it's nearly impossible for a teenage girl to avoid being a target at some point, but it is very possible to avoid becoming a victim. The best way to do that is by recognizing PC at the earliest possible moment, and if things feel uncomfortable (even if it is just the vulnerability itself that feels uncomfortable), taking steps to change the situation.

Of course, women and teenage girls will often be in private environments with men who have no sinister intent whatsoever. The driving instructor who takes your teenage daughter all over town is granted some PC opportunities, but if he is a good man, no problem. Still, it's appropriate for a teenage girl to recognize the P in PC if several turns take them to some remote area. Ideally, if this occurs, she'd be more alert for the introduction of Control. Right when a man begins to introduce the P or the C is the defining moment when one can determine -virtually choose- whether to be a target or a victim. For example, as the driving instructor's directions take them out of populated areas, a girl might say: "I'd be more comfortable staying in the city," or "Please stay in familiar areas." If the man had sinister intent, this girl has just asserted in the clearest language that she will not be easily persuaded, thus his options for gaining control are limited to force or fear, and that requirement will exclude the overwhelming majority of predators. PC is easy to memorize and recall because these concepts are already imbedded into the consciousness of human beings. When someone acts in a way that alarms a woman or teenage girl, she instantly and automatically evaluates PC. She intuitively weighs whether anyone might hear a call for help or whether someone might come along, and she measures what degree of control the predator might have over her.

The key -the trick if you will- is to recognize PC before someone alarms her, even in the absence of obvious sinister intent on the man's part. The impala who finds itself alone with the lion doesn't wait to see how the carnivore will behave. The impala evaluates its options and resources all the while. Does this mean being in a constant state of alertness whenever a woman is in the presence of men? Absolutely not. This is about being alone with a man in a situation in which she is vulnerable. And then, a recognition of PC might be no more than a passing thought that opens her intuition about this man. If she feels at ease with her boss at the restaurant even though there are no customers around, fine. But being cognizant of PC means she'll sooner recognize the slightest inappropriate comment or unusual behavior, like locking the front door before closing time.