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The notion of using “I feel…” statements sounds so simple, but is actually a very difficult habit to adopt and helps foster self-reflection and mindfulness. I believe completing the Basics course has helped me grow immensely as both an activist and as a person.

#DoYouKazoo #EndSH Join Prepare and Breakthrough Catalysts at the Hollaback! 2016 Anti-Street Harassment Rally April 16 at Tompkins Square Park NYC from 2 – 4 p.m. Have you ever been told that street harassment is really just a compliment? Or that you can’t take a joke? How tired are you of this conversation, which never seems to change? We’re tired too! Join us to challenge street harassment myths at the Hollaback! Anti-Street Harassment Rally on April 16. We’ll form a chorus of kazoos—kind of a reverse rape whistle—and debunk the street harassment myths we’ve all encountered.

Gavin de Becker’s work on threat assessment highlights 5 responses we employ to invalidate our intuition. These same responses are used to invalidate a survivor’s report of sexual violence. DENIAL. RATIONALIZATION. MINIMIZATION. JUSTIFICATION. EXCUSE-MAKING. … Instead, let’s stick with our instinct (and humanity) and respond to people who tell us they have been sexually assaulted like this: “I believe you. I am sorry that happened to you. How can I support you?”

I think there is another aspect to the nature of less direct speech styles. I think women (and people with less power) are scared about what happens when they speak assertively. Using a “softer” communication style is an adaptation to existing power dynamics and its not just deference, consideration, or soft influence. We know the rule: Be nice and deferential to stay safe and keep relationships. But that’s not all. Speak up and you’re out of line and people want to hurt you or cut you down.

The news is filled with women who say “no” or “stop” and then suffer greatly, including paying with their lives. So, women get more advice about soft communication: Tell him you have a boyfriend. Say, it’s not you, it’s me. Say, maybe another time. The message comes across to the rest of us – saying “no” or speaking up can be dangerous so it is important to be very careful and soften your message at all costs. Or don’t say anything. It’s a survival skill, sometimes conscious and sometimes unconscious. No wonder some people use a style of “softer” and less direct communication at times – lives (jobs, relationships) are at stake.

I’m angry and sad to see the continuation of the racist and sexist coverage you receive. It hurts professional athletes and aspiring young athletes like my 12-year-old niece. As a hockey player, she can relax in a uniform that obscures her body and focus on her skating and puck handling. It took her years to be comfortable enough with her body that she could take up dance and wear a leotard and tights. I’m excited that she now dances and plays hockey with equal enthusiasm.

The expression “What I couldn’t say” got me thinking … what would we hear if we asked people to share this:
What I couldn’t say as a rape survivor,
What I couldn’t say as an abused child/partner,
What I couldn’t say to my straight friends,
What I couldn’t say about my disability,
What I couldn’t say to my boss, and more?

The Impact of Socialization

One of the things I’ve noticed over 23 years of teaching empowerment self-defense is how impactful socialization is when it comes to taking in and eventually believing the negative messages others create about us. This internalization of other’s beliefs, to the point where they feel like our own beliefs, can be so automatic we aren’t even conscious of doing it – so it’s no use to blame ourselves for blaming ourselves!

Being able to express boundaries and enforce them –if need be — is a protective factor against sexual assault and intimate partner violence, but what about all the other harms and outcomes that advance conversations can potentially prevent or help manage?

Dee Rene, in this article, reminds us that communication around sexual consent is an ongoing process and there’s much more to talk about than yes or no “before you get busy.”

“It is increasingly important to lift of the voices of LGBTQ young people who are often not represented in media outlets, as well as share their diverse stories and perspectives. Oftentimes, LGBTQ young people are unable to see people who reflect their identities. This can be isolating and challenging, especially if a young person is struggling to accept themselves for who they are.” – Trevor Project website

In my feed this week was a story about a 15-year-old boy who snaps a classmate’s bra repeatedly and won’t stop when she tells him to. Her teacher takes no action when she reports the incident and the boy finally snaps her bra hard enough for it to come undone. She punches him twice in the face and then he stops. She’s in trouble with school administrators and he’s not. Her mom questions that outcome and puts the school on the hot seat for failing to protect her daughter from sexual assault. What’s your perspective? Do you relate to the person who was the target of harassment? Are you concerned about a fair consequence for her aggressor and/or for her?…